The Swirly Thing and Creativity

The Ritalin really seems to be helping me. I can carry on a conversation and stay on one topic. My kids really appreciate it. Instead of the normal 5 topics in 5 minutes, I can stay on one. As for my writing, I can certainly concentrate long enough to get something done, I’ve lost that creative gift that Bipolar gives me.

I’ve talked to my counselor about it and I explained it to her and she says she hasn’t a creative bone in her body and not only doesn’t understand, but can’t help me. I asked if someone else might be able to teach me to tie the creative/brilliant part of my brain to my clear thinking/linear part and she was at a lose. She said this was something I’d have too work out on my own.

I’ve been explaining it like this: my Bipolar Brain is like a great Swirly Thing (seed Red Dwarf) and as with many people who are insanely creatively, I find it difficult to get my little grey cells to settle down enough to let the inspiration out. The Ritalin has allowed me to stick a string straight down the middle of the Swirly Thing.

The string is like the string theory in the greater universe where it travels in and out over and over through the universe. Think worm holes.

If I can get the Swirly Thing and the string (or stick if that helps) to work together I might be able too work and be productive and still magically inspired. Think of it…. my great desire coming true.

I’m going to figure this out. I know I can do it. I will do it.

Madness Plus One

So I’ve been aware that I have Bipolar Type 1 for many years now. I made some progress off and on and eventually hit a “I can get no better” spot. My counselor has ADHD and thought maybe Ritalin might help. The new med provider said let’s try it. And it worked. Now instead of having swirly thing in my head I have a new super power… I can think in what I call a Linear manner. I am finding it more difficult to write even though I can concentrate… I’m not emotionally creative anymore. I’m determined to make this work because people can stand to talk to me when I take the Ritalin.

My youngest daughter has been diagnosed with depression. She’s 14. I should have noticed sooner. She’s so independant. I think she uses that to hide how she really feels.

Between that and all the family drama I’m sick of the holidays already and just want to take the kids and leave.

And I was sick today. Sigh…

I’m Doing Better… How Dare I!

My dad told one of my kids not long ago that he can see big changes in me, good changes. I was surprised. I’ve been diagnosed as having ADHD as bell as my long standing friend Bipolar. I’m on Ritalin in addition to my BP meds. As long as I take them consistently I feel pretty good. I can think clearly and even write or read a book. It feels good. I feel like for the first time I’m making real progress.

Imagine my surprise when my dad, who had just told one of my kids how well he could see I was doing, attacked me viciously today. Never mind what started him down his angry path, but I can proudly say I kept my cool. I didn’t get mad. I didn’t let him run me over, but I didn’t fight with him. I defended myself.

He claims he couldn’t talk to me over the last 15 years because I was messed up and now that I’m better he doesn’t know/can’t talk to me either. Say what?

Not long ago I invited them to go to see my counselor with me so he could learn about the illness. He refused. Today he claimed this fight he was trying to force on me was what he believed would happen so he refused to go. Say what? He’s the one being a big fat bumble bee ass. He was so mean and insulting and rude to me. He has serious problems. He’s always been an angry asshole but honestly to get mad at me because I might get my knee replacement sooner than he wants me too is a bunch of pooh.

He thinks I never think things through and I’m lazy and stupid. See, I found out today they are leaving in March for a month and a half and I think he wanted my recovery time to fall in that time frame so they wouldn’t have to drive me anyplace. Then he said I was stupid because I obviously didn’t think it through and count up how many places I drive my kids each week. Well darling dad, no one is doing a sport right now. And my daughter is working on getting her license, but it takes time. Plus she’s going into the Air Force and since he knows everything he know with certainty that the government as he put it, isn’t hiring.

OMG! I’ve been strengthening my muscles walking and doing weights to strengthen my arms to pull myself around. Did he ask me anything about any of that? No. And he says that’s my fault too. How can he know things if I don’t tell him? Why would I want to talk to someone who blames me for so many things??

That visit to the counselor I mentioned… My mom went. Know what she told the counselor, my eldest daughter and myself? She said all their problems are my fault. How can any rational person say that?

So I’m feeling better. My parents told me for years they wanted me to get better. Now that I am… it’s a bad thing. I don’t understand.

So I’m going to keep on keeping on and work to be the best me that I can be and to hell with them. I’m so over trying to help them understand. If they can’t put out a little effort to learn about this disease… I’m done trying to explain.

Angry Like a Normal Person

I was just thinking that I need someone to talk to, a friend, really badly. Then I realized I do. Well, she gets paid for it (no, not one of those silly) and she’s my counselor. We’ve missed each other about two weeks and these have been such difficult weeks.

I’m so angry I’ve hidden all the running books and magazines I got for Kyle. I’ve started throwing books away. I finished potting Jessica’s plant that no one seems to care about but me. I’ve asked Kyle and Jessica to help me.

Kyle is in band again and is playing at Friday night’s game then running a really difficult race on the next day. Not only am I going to wait for him to call me for a ride after practice today, I’m not certain I want to even go to this race Saturday and it’s nearby where we live. I This would be the third race in a row I’d miss and while it makes me so angry, it makes me want to cry with the loss of missing it.

Sydney thinks I’m her taxi at a moment’s notice and that it’s ok to “seem” to have asked if someone can come over but no one but she remembers it. She’s doing yearbook again this year. She’ll probably have to cover sports some. I’ll want to show her my old Cross Country album again and instead of studying the photographs like a good photographer would, the self important brat will ignore me instead of being polite.

Poor Jessica, I take her everywhere. I go get her from fun stuff. I drive her hours and hours to fun things and then leave her and go home. Then I go get her after her fun. She’s moving on to the Air Force. I’m still staying here poor and a fucking taxi in poor mental and physical health.

I don’t know what to do. I need balance and stability and some joy would help.

 

It’s been a while since I posted so I thought I’d give a little update. My counselor has been convinced for sometime that I have ADHD as well as Bipolar Disorder. She has thought for some time that I’m not getting any better with my BP (for like over 2 years) because I have had something else going on as well. She has ADHD too and so she really understands it. We finally got my med. provider to let me try Ritalin and it seems to be working. She raised the dosage since it’s been working so well. I’ve been able to focus a lot better. I still talk way too much, but we’ll keep working on that.

So for now, I’m doing much better.

Doing Good & Doing Bad

So I’ve been happy very manic for a while now. My counselor says I’m having “delusions of grandeur”. Maybe she’s right, but I’m choosing to believe I’m as talented as I think I am. She also said again that she thinks I have ADHD along with my Bipolar Type 1 and that this might be part of the reason I’m not getting better…. she means “slowing down”. It would be ok with me to go fast, to think fast, to speak fast… if I could actually finish a damn thing.

I’m so tired. I can’t sleep again. I’m pretty sure I’ll have to take a long nap tomorrow….. today.

Were adjusting my meds again. And I have a new med provider.

A New Perspective on Bipolar

Today at the high school I was privileged to share a positive spin on Bipolar with one of the Assistant Principals and an exchange student from Germany about what it sort of is and how when I’m trying really hard and things are going well I can do amazing things.  I told them how Winston Churchill had it and basically saved the world because of his unconventional way of looking at things.  I know they really don’t understand, but they tried to listen and I appreciated that. I asked the student if an adult had ever been that honest with her before. She said no. That’s cool. Not that they haven’t talked to her in such a personal way, but that she got to experience it here.

I’m very happily manic right now so I’m trying to get as far on my manuscript as I can before my brain rebels again. Course this also means my propensity toward frustration and anger also are increased. I have to make sue I don’t get mad and refuse to take my meds. I absolutely  have to take my meds. I have to get enough sleep. And, I have to get out in the fresh air and exercise. Oh and I have to read the books on success that I use to lead me in the positive pah I want to go in. I read my favorite books over and over. It really does help.

Now I’m writing this manuscript to help teenagers like my 13-year-old in school and my 16-year-old in running. And, look, it’s something I can leave to them. I gotta work my buns off, especially while I’m still helping the track team.

Well I’m exhausted so time for an early “good night”.

Check out that I have a new email you can reach me at here. Write anytime. Just play nicely. Honest, but nicely.

GracieRainingFire@gmail.com